i'm not sure what my DEAL is. i keep fluctuating between terrible and worse. i was just thinking to myself last night, that i'm almost happier when i don't know what's going on at all. when i have no option of speaking to make things worse. lies, self sabotage, digging a hole, deeper and deeper. that's all i'm capable of. as soon as i crawl out of one rabbit hole, i realize my eyes can't adjust to the light and i continue to crawl, desperately seeking another hole. eyes shut tight, fingers searching for another way down.
i've completely lost my center, my balance. i'm anxious, irritable, paranoid, and unstable. i think i need help but maybe i just need to help myself. just. stop.
stop with the mind reeling in every direction. stop with thoughts of what's going to happen in the future. i'm spinning out of control and i need to get a grip. i need something solid, something stable. i know it's not someone else. i know it's not chemical. i need something real. i know it's inside me. it just feels so far away.
i've completely lost my center, my balance. i'm anxious, irritable, paranoid, and unstable. i think i need help but maybe i just need to help myself. just. stop.
stop with the mind reeling in every direction. stop with thoughts of what's going to happen in the future. i'm spinning out of control and i need to get a grip. i need something solid, something stable. i know it's not someone else. i know it's not chemical. i need something real. i know it's inside me. it just feels so far away.
philipp haager
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