gift

sometimes, the universe hands you a gift.  a freebie.  just because you needed it really badly. 


i'm going to place this gift in the category of a life lesson called "trust your instincts."  i've always struggled in so many of my relationships to follow my gut feelings.  i've become so good at giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, at believing even the most far-fetched ideas if it meant that i could keep the people i loved in a positive light. i'm so sad to say that i've even lost great friends because i wasn't able to admit to myself that i was putting someone on a pedestal that lied to me and hurt me time and time again regardless of the many warnings i received from my internal radar.  


but this gift is really an eye opening experience for me.  it's not just a pat on the back, or a "you were right all along" from the universe.  it feels almost like all the greater forces that are unknown to me are interested in seeing me succeed.  they're tired of seeing me struggle, constantly grasping for straws and settling for so much less than i deserve.  

settling is for sand at the bottom of the ocean

deal

i'm not sure what my DEAL is.  i keep fluctuating between terrible and worse.  i was just thinking to myself last night, that i'm almost happier when i don't know what's going on at all.  when i have no option of speaking to make things worse.  lies, self sabotage, digging a hole, deeper and deeper.  that's all i'm capable of.  as soon as i crawl out of one rabbit hole, i realize my eyes can't adjust to the light and i continue to crawl, desperately seeking another hole.  eyes shut tight, fingers searching for another way down.  


i've completely lost my center, my balance.  i'm anxious, irritable, paranoid, and unstable.  i think i need help but maybe i just need to help myself.  just.  stop.


stop with the mind reeling in every direction.  stop with thoughts of what's going to happen in the future.  i'm spinning out of control and i need to get a grip.  i need something solid, something stable.  i know it's not someone else.  i know it's not chemical.  i need something real.  i know it's inside me.  it just feels so far away.  

philipp haager

grayday

today is a cold, wet, and gloomy day in new york city.  but i've spent most of the day working at my favorite place in the world, bend and bloom yoga.  i work here, take classes, meet new friends, and live three doors down. working the front desk leaves a lot of time for self reflection and the grayness of everything outside brings on an even stronger desire to wrap a scarf around my neck and stare off into space with a cup of hot tea.  here's what's at the forefront of my thoughts today:

1. grudges: are they invaluable learning tools worthy of holding on to or unnecessary anchors tying me to the pain and negativity of the past?

2. forgiveness: is there a way to speed the process up or is there nothing to do but wait and hope it happens naturally?

3. what's for dinner: gingered carrot soup: delicious spicy goodness to counteract the dreariness of the day!

recipe and image from zestycook.com

i'll let you know tomorrow if i hit on any revelations.  in the meantime, please share some thoughts on the topics mentioned above :)

see saw

why is equanimity so damn elusive?  sometimes it's so easy to be overwhelmed.  you try to make the right decisions, choose the right course for yourself, remind yourself how to stay on track.  with personal relationships, professional goals, short and long-term plans.  but inevitably, things happen that jolt you away from your center and cause you to lose your balance, veer off-course, repeat the same patterns that have kept you stagnant and unhappy.  


in times like this i try to focus on why i have yoga in my life.  yoga is often defined as a sort of union that happens within the core of each of us.  the union of all those forces in the universe that are undoubtedly all inter-connected.  in discovering this union, bit by bit, we create a clearer path for our own travels to this center that lies within us.  the place where grace, wisdom, kindness and compassion reside.  and each time we travel this path, we use the experience of our steps, our footprints in the earth, to make the path wider and more clear and easier to follow next time we need to get to that place.  


so what are you supposed to do on days when everything seems upside down and your own two feet are struggling to stay out of each other's way?  here are some things i did today to help me focus on what's important and help me deal with the craziness of things i can't control:


1.  ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (makes everything better)


2.  cut out coffee from my daily routine (to decrease mental agitation/aggravation)


3.  listened to bon iver on spotify (same reason as above)


4.  practiced my sequence for teaching at POD1 tonight (thank you chelsea)


5.  30-minute yoga nidra with affirmations




what are some of the things that you do to get out of a particularly funk-y day?




a little perspective

Ch- Ch- Ch- Chia!

I made chia seed pudding this morning!   My new roommate has been making it on a regular basis because it's one of the only dessert-type things she can eat due to her current dietary restrictions (more on that later) and I was curious to experiment with my own version.  I used some almonds that I had soaked overnight to make almond milk, and instead of straining the milk after blending as I normally would, I kept the almond pulp in and added the chia seeds along with a little coconut oil, maple syrup, pumpkin pie spice, vanilla extract, and whisked away and let it soak.  The pulp from having made my own almond milk really made the pudding.  It gave it some more substance and texture, as opposed to being a little too gooey and slimy.  This chia seed pudding recipe served as my base recipe/inspiration.  I can't wait to experiment with a chocolate version by using some raw carob powder.  Yum!

I'm meeting with my friend Lee this morning so he can take some yoga shots of me in Prospect Park.  I went with my camera yesterday and got a few nice ones, like this one of ustrasana (camel pose), but setting the ten second timer and running to get into the pose is not the best way to get a good picture.  We'll see what we come up with today!

pour moi

this isn't for you.  it's for me.  because something has to give.  because things can't stay the same.  i need to act.  do.  breathe.  smile.  i can't let myself stay here any more.  

i'm tired of asking the same questions.  i'm sick of not having any answers.  maybe i loved and maybe i lost and maybe that's better than nothing and maybe it's worse.  but i've had enough.  i don't want to wonder and i don't want to take up any more willpower or mental energy trying SO HARD for the sake of trying.  

he fucked up.  and so did i.  the lesson to learn is that this relationship was wrong for many reasons, from the very start.  and regardless of the past, which can't be changed, and regardless of the future, which can't be foretold, i am left with a choice right now.  i can think about things, and wonder who/what/when/where/why and how.  or i can let go.  relinquish all control.  release.

i choose freedom.

my only rules:  be polite.  don't play games.  say yes to the things that make you smile.  say no to the things that don't.  don't think about the past or anything else that makes you cringe.  don't wonder about the future.  relax your belly.  do yoga.  meditate.  create.  learn more.  love everyone.  inhale deeply.  exhale fully.

On Letting Go by Sally Kempton